An Update from the Newells

Well.  We finished our first cycle of hormone therapy. It didn't work, but I was okay with it. I kinda figured it wouldn't, in fact, I expected it wouldn't work. So while I was sad, I wasn't completely devastated.

I completed the Art Therapy study for women who have infertility. It was so amazing. Before being accepted into the study we had to take a "test." Essentially, you had to score within a specific range to qualify, if you scored too high then you were too sad, too low and you were too happy. At the end of the study I took the same test. I was stunned by the difference. The first time I took the assessment, I was one point away from being referred to outpatient therapy; when I took it at the end I was five points away from being too happy. When I got home I asked Trey if I was really that bad off, because in my head I wasn't, and he said he was actually worried about me and that I was really sad and upset.

We went down to Chapel Hill for UNC's homecoming and spent the weekend with my family. It was really nice to get away, and what was SUPER nice was that I didn't have to give myself a shot the whole weekend!!! Of course two days later I was sick, and I mean sick. I'm still having residual cough and congestion nearly a month later. Be glad you did not get this plague.

OH. Forgot one really important and scary thing.

About halfway through my injections I started bleeding, more than what is okay. My doctor was out of town so I had to annoy his partner who was covering his patients that week.  I ended up having to take a pregnancy test to confirm it it was early pregnancy loss.  I have never, ever hoped for a negative test. And thankfully, it was negative.

That's one of the scary things about going through fertility treatments. Even if you do become pregnant, you're so terrified of losing it that you can't even enjoy the early months of pregnancy. Anyway, I was fine, so we continued with the cycle.

A couple of weeks ago we had a very dear friend hold a fundraiser for us. I am so grateful for everything who has been supporting us and who participated in the fundraiser. We were absolutely blown away!!

So then that brings us up to the last week. Found out the hormone cycle failed. We decided to do one more cycle of just hormones. Hopefully, this time will work. It's somewhat encouraging, because I AM ovulating, which is the problem, but we just aren't getting pregnant. Trey and I talked it over and we made one very big decision. If this hormone cycle fails then we will move on to IVF. Right now with the hormones our chances of getting pregnant are the same as any "normal" woman, about 20% each month. We decided to skip IUI because it doesn't raise our chances that much and we'd rather put our time and money towards IVF. Our chances of becoming pregnant with IVF are 50%! So, that's what we will do, if we don't have any luck with one final hormone cycle.

Right now I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit. Trey's work adopted some Angel Tree children and we went to shop for clothes for them. It made me happy that we could help out, but so sad at the same time. It has to be one of the worst feelings, to have children and to love them, but to not be able to give them a Christmas, or to give them dance lessons or play soccer, or have a big birthday party. I can't imagine not being able to give my children those things. It makes me feel so bad for the parents who are good parents and who take care of their children, but are unable to provide for them. It's heartbreaking.

We're still plugging along. Keeping on keeping on. Waiting and seeing. We should get "Wait and See" cross-stitched and hang it in our house; it seems to be the Newell Mantra these days. I am doing better, managing my sadness and feelings of guilt. Lately I have had a lot of anger. A lot of anger at everything and nothing. An undercurrent of rage. I wish that I could stifle it, but if anything, I've learned that I deserve to feel how I feel and that I shouldn't feel bad for feeling sad or happy or mad.